Another Monday....

My mind is going every which way today...still wondering about Jonathon and what I need to do to make that situation less hurtful for me, knowing there is all this housework to do, knowing I need to go for a run or at least a long walk, just everything jumbled up in my brain all at once.

Should I write Jonathon a letter and tell him how I am feeling? I am afraid to do that because he is constantly talking about how he hates "drama", and believe me to him that would be "drama". The last thing he wants to hear from anyone is that they have emotions, feelings, needs, or anything else that involves being completely human. The pain that he causes me is really affecting my life and I know I have to do something about it soon. How do you tell your own child to get in your life and stay or just get out until they are mature enough to know better than to hurt someone over and over again? I feel so selfish even with that thought because he is my child and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be. I met a Lady at church yesterday that mentioned to us that her two grown sons don't have anything to do with her. We were isiting that church and had never met this lady, so she knew nothing about my situation. She said she has grandbabies that she would absolutely love to have in her life....that is one of my biggest fears, them having children and me never knowing my own grandbabies. What do I do? It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to making Jonathon mad at me...he gets mad over the slightest little thing. Do I just make up my mind that it is time for me to take a stand, just jump and scream my feelings and prepare myself for the worst (being that he doesn't make his call every 9mos. to a year phone call anymore)? I am so tired of being walked on and being the one that is always last in line....I don't want that place in line. My Goodness...I gave birth to this child, loved him when nobody else wanted him, cried an ocean of tears for him, waited patiently for him to be 18 and legal to make his own decisions, supported him in anything he ever wanted to do, listened to his stories of trying drugs and didn't judge him....in all that, I still haven't given enough of myself to be respected (loved) in return. There is something wrong with that picture...

There is a part of me that just wants to run....run until my body just gives out. There is a voice in there that keeps saying "leave it all behind you, do what makes you the strongest healthiest person you can be and don't worry about where you have been just get busy getting yourself to where you are going". I like that voice, I like that part of me. I used to be a very determined person and the world beat me down for years and took that from me, they thought they took it anyway. I still have that in me, to be that strong person and she is trying to come out and take charge. Maybe this will be my week that I just let that happen. Nobody likes change, right? I just have to deal with the changes that come with it and let the good side take over again so I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do. Is that selfish?

Does anyone really read this? I ask myself that all the time. I don't guess it matters if nobody else even knows I exist....but it would be nice to know that I am at least a little speck here in this life.

My kids are absolutely breaking my heart into tiny pieces...and I don't know if those little pieces will ever fit together again.

I have 3 children that were raised be my bm (birth mother- I refuse to call her Mom). She has horrible control issues and therefore my children that are now grown choose to keep her satisfied and stay away from me. (Let me make it clear that I was doing fine raising them on my own until they were 1,3, and 5yrs old but to control me, my control freak bm who worked with DCS decided to use her connections to get my children. I probably blogged about that situation earlier in one of my posts.) I feel like they dangle hope in front of me just enough to keep me holding onto something that is never going to happen. I can almost see them in my mind, sitting back and laughing at the way they hurt me. I know anyone reading this would probably say, "no way anyone's kids would do that to their own mom", but I really am starting to believe it is a game they are playing and they are really enjoying it.

Jonathon (my 20 year old)called last night and talked to Ronnie, then he ask to talk to Emma (our 8 year old) but when Emma gave the phone to me---Jonathon had to go and he was going to call me back in an hour. Yeah...I knew not to hold my breath waiting on that phone call. It is funny because I heard Emma answering his questions..."I'm 8 now", "2nd grade", and other stuff that a brother should know already. I don't think it is fair to her either, him calling every nine months, just enough to tease her. She wants them to be a part of her life so bad and they couldn't care less. And no, he never called back. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I wish they would just get in my life or get out of my life. I just don't know how much more hurt I can take from them. In my heart of hearts I honestly don't know of anything I have ever done to make them treat me like this. I done everything I could, I fought for them with everything I had, when they were with me I took good care of them, I was always there for them anytime they needed me, I even put up with my bm just to spend time with them (until they were all 18). I don't know, other than her twisted tales and her dysfunctional way of raising them...how they could treat me like this. I miss them so bad all the time and it is hard to keep that hope from springing forth when the smallest things happen. Just seeing Jonathon's number on the caller ID is, well there aren't even words for how that makes me feel. I just ask myself..."How long, how many times, how bad do they have to hurt you, before you learn to quit hoping?" Sometimes they make me so mad doing this stuff to me that I think it would serve them all right if I just killed myself...but that would just give them something else to say I done to them. But that is how they make me feel.