Superman....I knew it was him!!!!

    Get ready....there has been alot going on lately.....here I go.....................
 
    I am still doing great. I am so very thankful to have this new ability to handle the things life throws at us. (Thanks again to MDMA for helping me find that, I talked about MDMA in one of my first posts if you missed it). I am so close to my Daddy now, you wouldn't believe how far he and I have came in our relationship. He had to be put into the hospital for 2 weeks in October and I stayed most days with him. His Leukemia started getting really bad. To be honest, I thought he would die in the hospital. I have never seen my Daddy that sick before. He could barely move. They had to give him 5 pints of blood, I didn't even know we had that much blood in our body to start with. They discovered that the cancer has spread to his spine so they had to put a port in the top of his head to put Chemo treatments into. He is taking 3 different kinds of chemo, oral and through 2 different ports (chest and head). Thank God, he has only got sick one time from the chemo treatments and that was because they put it in too fast through the port in his head. He is the first person I have ever heard of that took treatments without getting terribly sick from them. See, my Daddy is Superman....I knew it. :)
    All that time we were together while he was in the hospital is the most time we have spent together since I was 6 years old. I loved every single minute of it, and I really believe with all my heart he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I would put Emma on the school bus and go to the hospital for the whole day. He told me stories about his childhood and his life in general. I learned so much from him, it is amazing how much better I understand who he is and why alot of things happened the way they did. He even told me that he never could enjoy Christmas after he left us because he missed us so bad. My stepmom would try to do things to get him in the christmas spirit and he just never could get into it. I hate that he spent years suffering like that but I have to be honest and say it made me feel good to know that he thought so much about me and that he was missing me.
     I even took pictures one day for us to look at together. I took all the pictures I had of me when I was a baby and pictures of my brothers and I growing up. I had never thought about the fact that he didn't even know what we looked like during those years. It was so nice looking through them with him and to see his eyes taking in every detail. I had one picture of me at about the age of 4 and when he saw it I thought he was going to cry. He picked it up and stared at it for a long time and said "that is just how I always saw you in my mind when I thought about you- that is how I remembered you- just like that". In the picture I am standing outside in a short dress, wearing knee socks, I was looking at the camera with a slight smile. That picture means more to me now than it ever did. I am going to have an 8X10 made and put it into a really pretty frame for a christmas present for him. He explained to me the fact that I stuck to him like glue, I was HIS baby from day one and that made my mom mad. He said she always tried to keep us apart but she just couldn't pry me away from him. He said he believes that is why she never could love me like she should have, she was always jealous and that is where it started....from the time I was born. I think he is right about that.
    He is home now and I have only got to go see him a couple of times because I have had bronchitis really bad. I miss him so much, it is weird how that can happen. I never get so attached to anybody so quickly but I just really want to spend every minute I can with him. We talk on the phone everyday and our conversations are no longer tense and hard to keep going. I used to dread our phone conversations because it was like we knew we needed to talk but didn't really have nothing to talk about. Now we talk for long periods of time and there is never a pause for a lack of knowing what to say. It is just amazing to me that within two weeks we came that far in our relationship. We had just never taken the time we needed to take to get to know eachother (again). I think we both realized that we have alot in common and as people in general we like eachother. I think even if we were not family we would be friends because we do have so much in common and I like who my Daddy is and the things he stands for. I never knew all that before. I am glad he is my Daddy.
    I did my first 5K on november 15th. It was to support Thompson Cancer Center, the one that treats my Dad. Ronnie did it with me. We were tired but it was so exciting to be a part of something so big. There were thousands of people in it. My goal was just not to be the last one in. We stayed together and our finish time was 39:24. That's not bad for the first one. Now my goal for the next one can be under 39 minutes. I was a totally different person 2 years ago, at that point in time I would have died before I would stand in the street with thousands of other people. I wouldn't even go to the movies back then. I am loving the ability to live life to the fullest now. Wow, it is amazing when I think back to where I was and how far from that I am now. I don't think anyone will ever know the full effect of how much life has changed for me.
 
    My brother got arrested last week  (Kala's Dad). I really didn't think they would ever charge him with anything so it was a shock to me. At this point I have alot of mixed emotions about it. I don't believe a word that comes out of Kala's mouth because she lied so much when she was here. I do know that he physically abused them (spanking way too hard causing bruises), but I really don't know about anything else. As far as the sexual abuse allegations, I can't say if all those things really happened or not. I hope they just leave me out of it because I don't think I can handle being pulled into the middle. I thought I would get closure for myself through it but I don't think that is going to happen. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year and I have pretty much moved on from the past. I don't think I need anything else for closure. I am very satisfied with the way my life is now and I have accepted that I am no longer a part of that family...I am okay with that.
 
 
    I am really looking forward to christmas this year. Emma and I put her tree up yesterday, she always has her own special christmas tree in her bedroom. It is a purple tree this year, decorated with all pink ornaments and clear lights. It is so pretty, it makes me want to put our tree up in the living room already. We always put up our tree and decorate outside on thanksgiving. I can't wait! I love the holidays so much.
 
Well, I have almost wrote you a book in this post so I guess I will leave you alone for now.

I want....

OMG!!! I am so depressed and it is so hard for me too lose weight when I am this way. I want to eat everything in sight. It is like there are two of me. The person inside wants to get out and run until I can't run no more but the person on the outside is so depressed she just wants to crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I said that...DIE!!! I don't understand why I have to get like this, I was doing so good. I hate to hear people (that have never been diagnosed with depression) say they are so depressed...most people throw that word around like it is nothing. Depression really sucks. I can be doing great for six months or maybe a year and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I hate talking to people about it because I know nobody wants to listen to me whine. I hope it goes away soon. I just want to run until it is gone, I want to sweat, I want to feel my muscles spasming because I worked-out, I want to feel good again.

Good day....

Well, today is the first day of the weight-loss challenge. It couldn't have come soon enough for me. I have gained back 13 pounds since the last challenge. This is a good day. I feel like going running today and getting started right. They say "pain is the weakness leaving your body", well...I have alot of pain AND weakness to get rid of. I can't think of a better way to do it. Sometimes it just feels good to concentrate on myself instead of concentrating on everybody around me. Some would say that sounds selfish but right now I don't look at it like that at all. I want to be healthy and this is what I need to do to achieve that. Okay, with that said, I am going running.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

Awesome Book

I just finished reading "The Shack" by William P. Young, and I would recommend it to anyone. Oh my goodness....I couldn't put it down. I had a hard time getting anything else done because it was so consuming. If you like to read, this is a book I can't imagine anyone not liking. It starts out a little slow but when you get to the 2nd chapter it is amazing.

I just had to tell everyone about it.

Nothing really going on to blog about right now. I am trying to get back on the weight-loss track so my life is kinda boring right now with me arguing with myself. By monday I will have a workout schedule laid out for myself. Counting calories is not a real big deal, that is something I can deal with pretty good. The working out part is where I fall short. I seem to always have the excuse of no time. I am fixin' that problem right now. I am guilty of sitting around being bored- not knowing what to do with myself when Emma is at school and Ronnie is at work. No more of that non-sense.....that time can no longer be wasted like that.

It seems like when you get off track it is so hard to get going again. I am going to do this. I felt so good before when I was eating right and working out. I wanted to be moving all the time. I still have that in me and now I have to do it.

Weight loss challenge!!!

Okay, I hope I am back for a while this time. We try to live in a drama-free home but lately I don't know what has happened. I am hoping to seriously get back on track now.

Mathew McNutt is starting his weight loss challenge again. If you-all haven't heard of him you really need to check out his blog and consider doing the chellenge. I lost 27 pounds last time he did one. It is amazing how much difference the support system there helps. It is free and really fun so check it out at http://matthewmcnutt.com/?p=1776&cpage=1#comment-23523 . I think it starts on Sept. 22nd so you have plenty of time to read about it and get prepared for it.

We no longer have Kala with us. We came to the conclusion that we were not the best placement for her. It was a mutual decision between all of us and I hope she finds what she is looking for. We will always love her and we are hoping she will keep in touch with us. It is so hard to find out that you can't help someone you love so much. We tried so hard to give her all the emotional support and love she needed but it just wasn't working for her. I guess I will always question myself, "was there something else I could have done?". I hope time really does heal because right now I can't even explain the hurt I am feeling inside. I feel like a failure and I feel disconnected. All I can do now is pray for her and hope she prospers wherever life takes her.

Now I am just trying to get back on track and get healthy. I haven't even stepped on the scales lately because I am scared to. I have gained so much weight back I feel awful. I can't get into some of my clothes and I just feel huge again. I will get back into the zone. I don't know if I want to weight on the challenge to start or get started now. I really need to get started now but I would love to do like last time and start with everyone else. The support of the others really did make a BIG difference. Oh well, I will make a decision one way or the other and let you-all know.

Seriously, if you haven't seen his blog.....check it out. I will post again real soon:)

Still here

I just wanted to take a moment to let everyone know that I am sill here. Things have been so chaotic around here, I just never get time to blog much now. School starts in a week and a half so I will be able to get back on schedule. I do miss reading blogs.

Kala is now living with us....so all is well as planned. I will be back on here really soon, don't give up on me :)

Mental Plateau

I was leaving this on a comment for someone and I decided I needed to post it on my blog.....

I believe I have been on a "mental Plateau" (as I call it) with my weight-loss journey. I really think we all have those and they are probably worse than the plateaus where the scale just won't budge for us.

I was reading a book about weight-loss and the author was talking about when she got down to certain weights it would spark a memory of something that happened in her life when she was at that weight (before she had gained- on her way up). One weight was where she was when her dad died, one was when she divorced, one was her highest pregnancy weight, etc. and these weights showing up on the scale triggered something emotional and she had a rough time moving on from that certain number on the scale. It sounds plausible to me...I really believe that is where I am right now. So hopefully understanding what might be going on can help.

I did lose 1 pound this week, yay me!!!! Things are getting more settled down here so maybe I can keep it going this time. Kala moves in on July 13th so maybe I can get back on schedule and that will help so much. I know I can do this...I am not giving up now- NO WAY!!!