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Monday, April 19, 2010

Another Monday....

My mind is going every which way today...still wondering about Jonathon and what I need to do to make that situation less hurtful for me, knowing there is all this housework to do, knowing I need to go for a run or at least a long walk, just everything jumbled up in my brain all at once.

Should I write Jonathon a letter and tell him how I am feeling? I am afraid to do that because he is constantly talking about how he hates "drama", and believe me to him that would be "drama". The last thing he wants to hear from anyone is that they have emotions, feelings, needs, or anything else that involves being completely human. The pain that he causes me is really affecting my life and I know I have to do something about it soon. How do you tell your own child to get in your life and stay or just get out until they are mature enough to know better than to hurt someone over and over again? I feel so selfish even with that thought because he is my child and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be. I met a Lady at church yesterday that mentioned to us that her two grown sons don't have anything to do with her. We were isiting that church and had never met this lady, so she knew nothing about my situation. She said she has grandbabies that she would absolutely love to have in her life....that is one of my biggest fears, them having children and me never knowing my own grandbabies. What do I do? It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to making Jonathon mad at me...he gets mad over the slightest little thing. Do I just make up my mind that it is time for me to take a stand, just jump and scream my feelings and prepare myself for the worst (being that he doesn't make his call every 9mos. to a year phone call anymore)? I am so tired of being walked on and being the one that is always last in line....I don't want that place in line. My Goodness...I gave birth to this child, loved him when nobody else wanted him, cried an ocean of tears for him, waited patiently for him to be 18 and legal to make his own decisions, supported him in anything he ever wanted to do, listened to his stories of trying drugs and didn't judge him....in all that, I still haven't given enough of myself to be respected (loved) in return. There is something wrong with that picture...

There is a part of me that just wants to run....run until my body just gives out. There is a voice in there that keeps saying "leave it all behind you, do what makes you the strongest healthiest person you can be and don't worry about where you have been just get busy getting yourself to where you are going". I like that voice, I like that part of me. I used to be a very determined person and the world beat me down for years and took that from me, they thought they took it anyway. I still have that in me, to be that strong person and she is trying to come out and take charge. Maybe this will be my week that I just let that happen. Nobody likes change, right? I just have to deal with the changes that come with it and let the good side take over again so I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do. Is that selfish?

Does anyone really read this? I ask myself that all the time. I don't guess it matters if nobody else even knows I exist....but it would be nice to know that I am at least a little speck here in this life.

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