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Friday, April 30, 2010

La-di-da...I can't think of a title this time:)

I feel good. I am in a good state mentally. My dr changed some of my medicine and thank goodness, it seems to be working for me.

Jonathon has been calling me often since my last post. Ronnie called and talked to him, I don't know what was said....but whatever it was must have helped. We are trying to plan a trip to his house in NC in May. I am so excited about seeing him. It has been so long since I've had a Jonathon-hug. Nobody gives hugs like him. I don't know if it is because he is my son or if he really is just a great hugger.I have enjoyed our conversations on the phone and I am so very thankful he has been calling me. Hopefully at some point in time Jessica and Jordan will do the same.

Here lately, even with the all things she has done to me, I miss my bm (birth mother). It really hurts sometimes to not have a mom to go to when you need advice or when something good happens and you want someone to rejoice with you. I really wish things were different between her and me. I know at this point I have gone too far away to go back now. I really have to weigh the pros and cons too, and I think I am better off at this point where I am. I don't like having to work so hard to have a relationship. When you love someone it shouldn't feel like a struggle to be around them. Don't get me wrong....she is who she is and I do love her, I just hate the things I have had to go thru because she would never stand with me or protect me. I am an adult now and I HAVE to do those things for myself....and that is exactly what I am doing. I just wish I didn't spend so much time missing her...or missing having a mother.

I have stopped doing my weigh-ins. I find myself obsessing about my weight which in turn puts food on my mind constantly. I can't live my life hating myself for being bigger than someone else, and that is what it does to me. I know what I need to do to be healthy and I am going to do just that. I'm just not obsessing about it anymore. If I lose weight, that's great.....if I don't, that is okay too. I am a good person at any weight. I just have to get to the right balance of doing it without obsessing about it. I am not quitting. I am just going to concentrate on other things that need my attention right now, and that is okay.

Emma was in a play at school last night. It was her first play with her own lines to say. She was so good. I really think she was one of the best ones....if not the best. The other kids kept forgetting their lines, I felt so sorry for them. I think some of them had way too many lines for 2nd graders. Really they done awesome, it was a great play and I enjoyed it very much. Emma was so proud of herself....she is such a little diva:)

Well, I hope eeryone has a great weekend. It is supposed to rain all weekend here but hopefully we can make it good anyway:)

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

Leisia,

I am so sorry that your mom is not the kind of mom you long for and that at this point in life it seems you won't have what you want with her. This past week I spent at SALTS, I KNOW those same ambivelent feelings of longing for that same thing (but with my dad) and at the same time hating it too and knowing I need to protect myself. It is not easy, is it?It is ok to have the feelings you have.

I also know that struggle with the scale. Will you weigh in on a monthly basis or take measurements or anything like that?

Love you girl and my heart hurts for you as you live in this longing for your mom!