Friday, April 30, 2010

La-di-da...I can't think of a title this time:)

I feel good. I am in a good state mentally. My dr changed some of my medicine and thank goodness, it seems to be working for me.

Jonathon has been calling me often since my last post. Ronnie called and talked to him, I don't know what was said....but whatever it was must have helped. We are trying to plan a trip to his house in NC in May. I am so excited about seeing him. It has been so long since I've had a Jonathon-hug. Nobody gives hugs like him. I don't know if it is because he is my son or if he really is just a great hugger.I have enjoyed our conversations on the phone and I am so very thankful he has been calling me. Hopefully at some point in time Jessica and Jordan will do the same.

Here lately, even with the all things she has done to me, I miss my bm (birth mother). It really hurts sometimes to not have a mom to go to when you need advice or when something good happens and you want someone to rejoice with you. I really wish things were different between her and me. I know at this point I have gone too far away to go back now. I really have to weigh the pros and cons too, and I think I am better off at this point where I am. I don't like having to work so hard to have a relationship. When you love someone it shouldn't feel like a struggle to be around them. Don't get me wrong....she is who she is and I do love her, I just hate the things I have had to go thru because she would never stand with me or protect me. I am an adult now and I HAVE to do those things for myself....and that is exactly what I am doing. I just wish I didn't spend so much time missing her...or missing having a mother.

I have stopped doing my weigh-ins. I find myself obsessing about my weight which in turn puts food on my mind constantly. I can't live my life hating myself for being bigger than someone else, and that is what it does to me. I know what I need to do to be healthy and I am going to do just that. I'm just not obsessing about it anymore. If I lose weight, that's great.....if I don't, that is okay too. I am a good person at any weight. I just have to get to the right balance of doing it without obsessing about it. I am not quitting. I am just going to concentrate on other things that need my attention right now, and that is okay.

Emma was in a play at school last night. It was her first play with her own lines to say. She was so good. I really think she was one of the best ones....if not the best. The other kids kept forgetting their lines, I felt so sorry for them. I think some of them had way too many lines for 2nd graders. Really they done awesome, it was a great play and I enjoyed it very much. Emma was so proud of herself....she is such a little diva:)

Well, I hope eeryone has a great weekend. It is supposed to rain all weekend here but hopefully we can make it good anyway:)

Friday, April 23, 2010

God is good....and I am back:)

I have been in a depression lately but God has brought me out.I am so thankful to be back, I really hate that dark place that I get stuck in. Isn't it a wonderful thing that we have Someone on our side that is big enough to reach down and set us back up on solid ground again? I just don't know how some people make it through this life without Him.

I have been to some very interesting and beautiful places in the past 2 days. I thought I would share some of the adventure with you. Pictures don't really show all the magnificense of these places but it's the most I can give you. These were 3 different places within 15miles of my home. It amazes me that we can have these wonderful blessings so close to us and never know it. Thank God for my best friend taking me there.

These rocks were huge, beautiful, untouched, amazing, and so intriging to me. It still amazes me to look at this picture and see plants growing on ROCKS. Who would've thought. Most of the time I have a heard time getting flowers to grow in the best dirt....and here they grow on rocks.

Huge rocks (ofcourse Emma corrected me and said they are boulders) just stacked up and standing on top of eachother for all these years. How many years have they been standing there? My mind went back to where, in the Bible it says that even the rocks will cry out. Wow, maybe they are getting ready to do just that.

Amazing how these rocks are formed. Holes that let in the light or even a breeze. I walked through these huge holes in amazement at the natural artwork I was seeing. Some of these holes were big enough for a family to live in, which may have been the case at some point in time. Some holes looked like great places for chidren to hide their little secret treasures. I wanted to search them and see if ever a child had the same thought and followed through, but I couldn't bring myself to touch the beauty that has been untouched for so very long. So, it is still a mystery in my own mind.
Walking through this quiet place with all these wonders around me...I felt like I was walking through the woods with Jesus. I could feel him right there.

The picture really doesn't show how this shed is built back into a hollowed out rock (boulder). I wanted to pack up and move in. It amazed me that someone thought of doing this and how pretty it looked in the mist of all the nature.

This grapevine had wrapped around this tree while they were growing and it made beautiful spiral ridges around the tree. God's own artwork.

Even a tree was growing out of this rock. How it grew up the side of them, I will never understand.

Just beautiful.

I took over100 pictures of these places and I plan on sharing on the blog, just not all at once. I have wonderful pictures of the herbs and wildflowers that I seen too. I will have alot to blog about for a while. God is so awesome and sometimes in the mist of our "earthly" hassles of life we forget what our ultimate destiny is. Can you imagine....if it took God 7 days to make earth, as beautiful as it is....Jesus said He was going to prepare us a place over 2000 years ago, how beautiful Heaven must be? Just the thought of it makes the trials all worth it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just Saying....

Wow, now I remember why I quit blogging on here. It is a very lonely place and could actually make some even more depressed. Yep, there it is.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Another Monday....

My mind is going every which way today...still wondering about Jonathon and what I need to do to make that situation less hurtful for me, knowing there is all this housework to do, knowing I need to go for a run or at least a long walk, just everything jumbled up in my brain all at once.

Should I write Jonathon a letter and tell him how I am feeling? I am afraid to do that because he is constantly talking about how he hates "drama", and believe me to him that would be "drama". The last thing he wants to hear from anyone is that they have emotions, feelings, needs, or anything else that involves being completely human. The pain that he causes me is really affecting my life and I know I have to do something about it soon. How do you tell your own child to get in your life and stay or just get out until they are mature enough to know better than to hurt someone over and over again? I feel so selfish even with that thought because he is my child and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be. I met a Lady at church yesterday that mentioned to us that her two grown sons don't have anything to do with her. We were isiting that church and had never met this lady, so she knew nothing about my situation. She said she has grandbabies that she would absolutely love to have in her life....that is one of my biggest fears, them having children and me never knowing my own grandbabies. What do I do? It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to making Jonathon mad at me...he gets mad over the slightest little thing. Do I just make up my mind that it is time for me to take a stand, just jump and scream my feelings and prepare myself for the worst (being that he doesn't make his call every 9mos. to a year phone call anymore)? I am so tired of being walked on and being the one that is always last in line....I don't want that place in line. My Goodness...I gave birth to this child, loved him when nobody else wanted him, cried an ocean of tears for him, waited patiently for him to be 18 and legal to make his own decisions, supported him in anything he ever wanted to do, listened to his stories of trying drugs and didn't judge all that, I still haven't given enough of myself to be respected (loved) in return. There is something wrong with that picture...

There is a part of me that just wants to until my body just gives out. There is a voice in there that keeps saying "leave it all behind you, do what makes you the strongest healthiest person you can be and don't worry about where you have been just get busy getting yourself to where you are going". I like that voice, I like that part of me. I used to be a very determined person and the world beat me down for years and took that from me, they thought they took it anyway. I still have that in me, to be that strong person and she is trying to come out and take charge. Maybe this will be my week that I just let that happen. Nobody likes change, right? I just have to deal with the changes that come with it and let the good side take over again so I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do. Is that selfish?

Does anyone really read this? I ask myself that all the time. I don't guess it matters if nobody else even knows I exist....but it would be nice to know that I am at least a little speck here in this life.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My kids are absolutely breaking my heart into tiny pieces...and I don't know if those little pieces will ever fit together again.

I have 3 children that were raised be my bm (birth mother- I refuse to call her Mom). She has horrible control issues and therefore my children that are now grown choose to keep her satisfied and stay away from me. (Let me make it clear that I was doing fine raising them on my own until they were 1,3, and 5yrs old but to control me, my control freak bm who worked with DCS decided to use her connections to get my children. I probably blogged about that situation earlier in one of my posts.) I feel like they dangle hope in front of me just enough to keep me holding onto something that is never going to happen. I can almost see them in my mind, sitting back and laughing at the way they hurt me. I know anyone reading this would probably say, "no way anyone's kids would do that to their own mom", but I really am starting to believe it is a game they are playing and they are really enjoying it.

Jonathon (my 20 year old)called last night and talked to Ronnie, then he ask to talk to Emma (our 8 year old) but when Emma gave the phone to me---Jonathon had to go and he was going to call me back in an hour. Yeah...I knew not to hold my breath waiting on that phone call. It is funny because I heard Emma answering his questions..."I'm 8 now", "2nd grade", and other stuff that a brother should know already. I don't think it is fair to her either, him calling every nine months, just enough to tease her. She wants them to be a part of her life so bad and they couldn't care less. And no, he never called back. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I wish they would just get in my life or get out of my life. I just don't know how much more hurt I can take from them. In my heart of hearts I honestly don't know of anything I have ever done to make them treat me like this. I done everything I could, I fought for them with everything I had, when they were with me I took good care of them, I was always there for them anytime they needed me, I even put up with my bm just to spend time with them (until they were all 18). I don't know, other than her twisted tales and her dysfunctional way of raising they could treat me like this. I miss them so bad all the time and it is hard to keep that hope from springing forth when the smallest things happen. Just seeing Jonathon's number on the caller ID is, well there aren't even words for how that makes me feel. I just ask myself..."How long, how many times, how bad do they have to hurt you, before you learn to quit hoping?" Sometimes they make me so mad doing this stuff to me that I think it would serve them all right if I just killed myself...but that would just give them something else to say I done to them. But that is how they make me feel.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Superman....I knew it was him!!!!

    Get ready....there has been alot going on I go.....................
    I am still doing great. I am so very thankful to have this new ability to handle the things life throws at us. (Thanks again to MDMA for helping me find that, I talked about MDMA in one of my first posts if you missed it). I am so close to my Daddy now, you wouldn't believe how far he and I have came in our relationship. He had to be put into the hospital for 2 weeks in October and I stayed most days with him. His Leukemia started getting really bad. To be honest, I thought he would die in the hospital. I have never seen my Daddy that sick before. He could barely move. They had to give him 5 pints of blood, I didn't even know we had that much blood in our body to start with. They discovered that the cancer has spread to his spine so they had to put a port in the top of his head to put Chemo treatments into. He is taking 3 different kinds of chemo, oral and through 2 different ports (chest and head). Thank God, he has only got sick one time from the chemo treatments and that was because they put it in too fast through the port in his head. He is the first person I have ever heard of that took treatments without getting terribly sick from them. See, my Daddy is Superman....I knew it. :)
    All that time we were together while he was in the hospital is the most time we have spent together since I was 6 years old. I loved every single minute of it, and I really believe with all my heart he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I would put Emma on the school bus and go to the hospital for the whole day. He told me stories about his childhood and his life in general. I learned so much from him, it is amazing how much better I understand who he is and why alot of things happened the way they did. He even told me that he never could enjoy Christmas after he left us because he missed us so bad. My stepmom would try to do things to get him in the christmas spirit and he just never could get into it. I hate that he spent years suffering like that but I have to be honest and say it made me feel good to know that he thought so much about me and that he was missing me.
     I even took pictures one day for us to look at together. I took all the pictures I had of me when I was a baby and pictures of my brothers and I growing up. I had never thought about the fact that he didn't even know what we looked like during those years. It was so nice looking through them with him and to see his eyes taking in every detail. I had one picture of me at about the age of 4 and when he saw it I thought he was going to cry. He picked it up and stared at it for a long time and said "that is just how I always saw you in my mind when I thought about you- that is how I remembered you- just like that". In the picture I am standing outside in a short dress, wearing knee socks, I was looking at the camera with a slight smile. That picture means more to me now than it ever did. I am going to have an 8X10 made and put it into a really pretty frame for a christmas present for him. He explained to me the fact that I stuck to him like glue, I was HIS baby from day one and that made my mom mad. He said she always tried to keep us apart but she just couldn't pry me away from him. He said he believes that is why she never could love me like she should have, she was always jealous and that is where it started....from the time I was born. I think he is right about that.
    He is home now and I have only got to go see him a couple of times because I have had bronchitis really bad. I miss him so much, it is weird how that can happen. I never get so attached to anybody so quickly but I just really want to spend every minute I can with him. We talk on the phone everyday and our conversations are no longer tense and hard to keep going. I used to dread our phone conversations because it was like we knew we needed to talk but didn't really have nothing to talk about. Now we talk for long periods of time and there is never a pause for a lack of knowing what to say. It is just amazing to me that within two weeks we came that far in our relationship. We had just never taken the time we needed to take to get to know eachother (again). I think we both realized that we have alot in common and as people in general we like eachother. I think even if we were not family we would be friends because we do have so much in common and I like who my Daddy is and the things he stands for. I never knew all that before. I am glad he is my Daddy.
    I did my first 5K on november 15th. It was to support Thompson Cancer Center, the one that treats my Dad. Ronnie did it with me. We were tired but it was so exciting to be a part of something so big. There were thousands of people in it. My goal was just not to be the last one in. We stayed together and our finish time was 39:24. That's not bad for the first one. Now my goal for the next one can be under 39 minutes. I was a totally different person 2 years ago, at that point in time I would have died before I would stand in the street with thousands of other people. I wouldn't even go to the movies back then. I am loving the ability to live life to the fullest now. Wow, it is amazing when I think back to where I was and how far from that I am now. I don't think anyone will ever know the full effect of how much life has changed for me.
    My brother got arrested last week  (Kala's Dad). I really didn't think they would ever charge him with anything so it was a shock to me. At this point I have alot of mixed emotions about it. I don't believe a word that comes out of Kala's mouth because she lied so much when she was here. I do know that he physically abused them (spanking way too hard causing bruises), but I really don't know about anything else. As far as the sexual abuse allegations, I can't say if all those things really happened or not. I hope they just leave me out of it because I don't think I can handle being pulled into the middle. I thought I would get closure for myself through it but I don't think that is going to happen. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year and I have pretty much moved on from the past. I don't think I need anything else for closure. I am very satisfied with the way my life is now and I have accepted that I am no longer a part of that family...I am okay with that.
    I am really looking forward to christmas this year. Emma and I put her tree up yesterday, she always has her own special christmas tree in her bedroom. It is a purple tree this year, decorated with all pink ornaments and clear lights. It is so pretty, it makes me want to put our tree up in the living room already. We always put up our tree and decorate outside on thanksgiving. I can't wait! I love the holidays so much.
Well, I have almost wrote you a book in this post so I guess I will leave you alone for now.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I want....

OMG!!! I am so depressed and it is so hard for me too lose weight when I am this way. I want to eat everything in sight. It is like there are two of me. The person inside wants to get out and run until I can't run no more but the person on the outside is so depressed she just wants to crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I said that...DIE!!! I don't understand why I have to get like this, I was doing so good. I hate to hear people (that have never been diagnosed with depression) say they are so depressed...most people throw that word around like it is nothing. Depression really sucks. I can be doing great for six months or maybe a year and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I hate talking to people about it because I know nobody wants to listen to me whine. I hope it goes away soon. I just want to run until it is gone, I want to sweat, I want to feel my muscles spasming because I worked-out, I want to feel good again.