La-di-da...I can't think of a title this time:)

I feel good. I am in a good state mentally. My dr changed some of my medicine and thank goodness, it seems to be working for me.

Jonathon has been calling me often since my last post. Ronnie called and talked to him, I don't know what was said....but whatever it was must have helped. We are trying to plan a trip to his house in NC in May. I am so excited about seeing him. It has been so long since I've had a Jonathon-hug. Nobody gives hugs like him. I don't know if it is because he is my son or if he really is just a great hugger.I have enjoyed our conversations on the phone and I am so very thankful he has been calling me. Hopefully at some point in time Jessica and Jordan will do the same.

Here lately, even with the all things she has done to me, I miss my bm (birth mother). It really hurts sometimes to not have a mom to go to when you need advice or when something good happens and you want someone to rejoice with you. I really wish things were different between her and me. I know at this point I have gone too far away to go back now. I really have to weigh the pros and cons too, and I think I am better off at this point where I am. I don't like having to work so hard to have a relationship. When you love someone it shouldn't feel like a struggle to be around them. Don't get me wrong....she is who she is and I do love her, I just hate the things I have had to go thru because she would never stand with me or protect me. I am an adult now and I HAVE to do those things for myself....and that is exactly what I am doing. I just wish I didn't spend so much time missing her...or missing having a mother.

I have stopped doing my weigh-ins. I find myself obsessing about my weight which in turn puts food on my mind constantly. I can't live my life hating myself for being bigger than someone else, and that is what it does to me. I know what I need to do to be healthy and I am going to do just that. I'm just not obsessing about it anymore. If I lose weight, that's great.....if I don't, that is okay too. I am a good person at any weight. I just have to get to the right balance of doing it without obsessing about it. I am not quitting. I am just going to concentrate on other things that need my attention right now, and that is okay.

Emma was in a play at school last night. It was her first play with her own lines to say. She was so good. I really think she was one of the best ones....if not the best. The other kids kept forgetting their lines, I felt so sorry for them. I think some of them had way too many lines for 2nd graders. Really they done awesome, it was a great play and I enjoyed it very much. Emma was so proud of herself....she is such a little diva:)

Well, I hope eeryone has a great weekend. It is supposed to rain all weekend here but hopefully we can make it good anyway:)

God is good....and I am back:)

I have been in a depression lately but God has brought me out.I am so thankful to be back, I really hate that dark place that I get stuck in. Isn't it a wonderful thing that we have Someone on our side that is big enough to reach down and set us back up on solid ground again? I just don't know how some people make it through this life without Him.

I have been to some very interesting and beautiful places in the past 2 days. I thought I would share some of the adventure with you. Pictures don't really show all the magnificense of these places but it's the most I can give you. These were 3 different places within 15miles of my home. It amazes me that we can have these wonderful blessings so close to us and never know it. Thank God for my best friend taking me there.

These rocks were huge, beautiful, untouched, amazing, and so intriging to me. It still amazes me to look at this picture and see plants growing on ROCKS. Who would've thought. Most of the time I have a heard time getting flowers to grow in the best dirt....and here they grow on rocks.

Huge rocks (ofcourse Emma corrected me and said they are boulders) just stacked up and standing on top of eachother for all these years. How many years have they been standing there? My mind went back to where, in the Bible it says that even the rocks will cry out. Wow, maybe they are getting ready to do just that.

Amazing how these rocks are formed. Holes that let in the light or even a breeze. I walked through these huge holes in amazement at the natural artwork I was seeing. Some of these holes were big enough for a family to live in, which may have been the case at some point in time. Some holes looked like great places for chidren to hide their little secret treasures. I wanted to search them and see if ever a child had the same thought and followed through, but I couldn't bring myself to touch the beauty that has been untouched for so very long. So, it is still a mystery in my own mind.

Walking through this quiet place with all these wonders around me...I felt like I was walking through the woods with Jesus. I could feel him right there.

The picture really doesn't show how this shed is built back into a hollowed out rock (boulder). I wanted to pack up and move in. It amazed me that someone thought of doing this and how pretty it looked in the mist of all the nature.

This grapevine had wrapped around this tree while they were growing and it made beautiful spiral ridges around the tree. God's own artwork.

Even a tree was growing out of this rock. How it grew up the side of them, I will never understand.

Just beautiful.

I took over100 pictures of these places and I plan on sharing on the blog, just not all at once. I have wonderful pictures of the herbs and wildflowers that I seen too. I will have alot to blog about for a while. God is so awesome and sometimes in the mist of our "earthly" hassles of life we forget what our ultimate destiny is. Can you imagine....if it took God 7 days to make earth, as beautiful as it is....Jesus said He was going to prepare us a place over 2000 years ago, how beautiful Heaven must be? Just the thought of it makes the trials all worth it.

Just Saying....

Wow, now I remember why I quit blogging on here. It is a very lonely place and could actually make some even more depressed. Yep, there it is.

Another Monday....

My mind is going every which way today...still wondering about Jonathon and what I need to do to make that situation less hurtful for me, knowing there is all this housework to do, knowing I need to go for a run or at least a long walk, just everything jumbled up in my brain all at once.

Should I write Jonathon a letter and tell him how I am feeling? I am afraid to do that because he is constantly talking about how he hates "drama", and believe me to him that would be "drama". The last thing he wants to hear from anyone is that they have emotions, feelings, needs, or anything else that involves being completely human. The pain that he causes me is really affecting my life and I know I have to do something about it soon. How do you tell your own child to get in your life and stay or just get out until they are mature enough to know better than to hurt someone over and over again? I feel so selfish even with that thought because he is my child and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be. I met a Lady at church yesterday that mentioned to us that her two grown sons don't have anything to do with her. We were isiting that church and had never met this lady, so she knew nothing about my situation. She said she has grandbabies that she would absolutely love to have in her life....that is one of my biggest fears, them having children and me never knowing my own grandbabies. What do I do? It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to making Jonathon mad at me...he gets mad over the slightest little thing. Do I just make up my mind that it is time for me to take a stand, just jump and scream my feelings and prepare myself for the worst (being that he doesn't make his call every 9mos. to a year phone call anymore)? I am so tired of being walked on and being the one that is always last in line....I don't want that place in line. My Goodness...I gave birth to this child, loved him when nobody else wanted him, cried an ocean of tears for him, waited patiently for him to be 18 and legal to make his own decisions, supported him in anything he ever wanted to do, listened to his stories of trying drugs and didn't judge him....in all that, I still haven't given enough of myself to be respected (loved) in return. There is something wrong with that picture...

There is a part of me that just wants to run....run until my body just gives out. There is a voice in there that keeps saying "leave it all behind you, do what makes you the strongest healthiest person you can be and don't worry about where you have been just get busy getting yourself to where you are going". I like that voice, I like that part of me. I used to be a very determined person and the world beat me down for years and took that from me, they thought they took it anyway. I still have that in me, to be that strong person and she is trying to come out and take charge. Maybe this will be my week that I just let that happen. Nobody likes change, right? I just have to deal with the changes that come with it and let the good side take over again so I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do. Is that selfish?

Does anyone really read this? I ask myself that all the time. I don't guess it matters if nobody else even knows I exist....but it would be nice to know that I am at least a little speck here in this life.

My kids are absolutely breaking my heart into tiny pieces...and I don't know if those little pieces will ever fit together again.

I have 3 children that were raised be my bm (birth mother- I refuse to call her Mom). She has horrible control issues and therefore my children that are now grown choose to keep her satisfied and stay away from me. (Let me make it clear that I was doing fine raising them on my own until they were 1,3, and 5yrs old but to control me, my control freak bm who worked with DCS decided to use her connections to get my children. I probably blogged about that situation earlier in one of my posts.) I feel like they dangle hope in front of me just enough to keep me holding onto something that is never going to happen. I can almost see them in my mind, sitting back and laughing at the way they hurt me. I know anyone reading this would probably say, "no way anyone's kids would do that to their own mom", but I really am starting to believe it is a game they are playing and they are really enjoying it.

Jonathon (my 20 year old)called last night and talked to Ronnie, then he ask to talk to Emma (our 8 year old) but when Emma gave the phone to me---Jonathon had to go and he was going to call me back in an hour. Yeah...I knew not to hold my breath waiting on that phone call. It is funny because I heard Emma answering his questions..."I'm 8 now", "2nd grade", and other stuff that a brother should know already. I don't think it is fair to her either, him calling every nine months, just enough to tease her. She wants them to be a part of her life so bad and they couldn't care less. And no, he never called back. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I wish they would just get in my life or get out of my life. I just don't know how much more hurt I can take from them. In my heart of hearts I honestly don't know of anything I have ever done to make them treat me like this. I done everything I could, I fought for them with everything I had, when they were with me I took good care of them, I was always there for them anytime they needed me, I even put up with my bm just to spend time with them (until they were all 18). I don't know, other than her twisted tales and her dysfunctional way of raising them...how they could treat me like this. I miss them so bad all the time and it is hard to keep that hope from springing forth when the smallest things happen. Just seeing Jonathon's number on the caller ID is, well there aren't even words for how that makes me feel. I just ask myself..."How long, how many times, how bad do they have to hurt you, before you learn to quit hoping?" Sometimes they make me so mad doing this stuff to me that I think it would serve them all right if I just killed myself...but that would just give them something else to say I done to them. But that is how they make me feel.