My Journey Through This Life

La-di-da...I can't think of a title this time:)

2010-04-30T09:20:00.000-04:00

I feel good. I am in a good state mentally. My dr changed some of my medicine and thank goodness, it seems to be working for me.

Jonathon has been calling me often since my last post. Ronnie called and talked to him, I don't know what was said....but whatever it was must have helped. We are trying to plan a trip to his house in NC in May. I am so excited about seeing him. It has been so long since I've had a Jonathon-hug. Nobody gives hugs like him. I don't know if it is because he is my son or if he really is just a great hugger.I have enjoyed our conversations on the phone and I am so very thankful he has been calling me. Hopefully at some point in time Jessica and Jordan will do the same.

Here lately, even with the all things she has done to me, I miss my bm (birth mother). It really hurts sometimes to not have a mom to go to when you need advice or when something good happens and you want someone to rejoice with you. I really wish things were different between her and me. I know at this point I have gone too far away to go back now. I really have to weigh the pros and cons too, and I think I am better off at this point where I am. I don't like having to work so hard to have a relationship. When you love someone it shouldn't feel like a struggle to be around them. Don't get me wrong....she is who she is and I do love her, I just hate the things I have had to go thru because she would never stand with me or protect me. I am an adult now and I HAVE to do those things for myself....and that is exactly what I am doing. I just wish I didn't spend so much time missing her...or missing having a mother.

I have stopped doing my weigh-ins. I find myself obsessing about my weight which in turn puts food on my mind constantly. I can't live my life hating myself for being bigger than someone else, and that is what it does to me. I know what I need to do to be healthy and I am going to do just that. I'm just not obsessing about it anymore. If I lose weight, that's great.....if I don't, that is okay too. I am a good person at any weight. I just have to get to the right balance of doing it without obsessing about it. I am not quitting. I am just going to concentrate on other things that need my attention right now, and that is okay.

Emma was in a play at school last night. It was her first play with her own lines to say. She was so good. I really think she was one of the best ones....if not the best. The other kids kept forgetting their lines, I felt so sorry for them. I think some of them had way too many lines for 2nd graders. Really they done awesome, it was a great play and I enjoyed it very much. Emma was so proud of herself....she is such a little diva:)

Well, I hope eeryone has a great weekend. It is supposed to rain all weekend here but hopefully we can make it good anyway:)

God is good....and I am back:)

2010-04-23T10:41:00.000-04:00

I have been in a depression lately but God has brought me out.I am so thankful to be back, I really hate that dark place that I get stuck in. Isn't it a wonderful thing that we have Someone on our side that is big enough to reach down and set us back up on solid ground again? I just don't know how some people make it through this life without Him.

I have been to some very interesting and beautiful places in the past 2 days. I thought I would share some of the adventure with you. Pictures don't really show all the magnificense of these places but it's the most I can give you. These were 3 different places within 15miles of my home. It amazes me that we can have these wonderful blessings so close to us and never know it. Thank God for my best friend taking me there.

These rocks were huge, beautiful, untouched, amazing, and so intriging to me. It still amazes me to look at this picture and see plants growing on ROCKS. Who would've thought. Most of the time I have a heard time getting flowers to grow in the best dirt....and here they grow on rocks.

Huge rocks (ofcourse Emma corrected me and said they are boulders) just stacked up and standing on top of eachother for all these years. How many years have they been standing there? My mind went back to where, in the Bible it says that even the rocks will cry out. Wow, maybe they are getting ready to do just that.

Amazing how these rocks are formed. Holes that let in the light or even a breeze. I walked through these huge holes in amazement at the natural artwork I was seeing. Some of these holes were big enough for a family to live in, which may have been the case at some point in time. Some holes looked like great places for chidren to hide their little secret treasures. I wanted to search them and see if ever a child had the same thought and followed through, but I couldn't bring myself to touch the beauty that has been untouched for so very long. So, it is still a mystery in my own mind.

Walking through this quiet place with all these wonders around me...I felt like I was walking through the woods with Jesus. I could feel him right there.

The picture really doesn't show how this shed is built back into a hollowed out rock (boulder). I wanted to pack up and move in. It amazed me that someone thought of doing this and how pretty it looked in the mist of all the nature.

This grapevine had wrapped around this tree while they were growing and it made beautiful spiral ridges around the tree. God's own artwork.

Even a tree was growing out of this rock. How it grew up the side of them, I will never understand.

Just beautiful.

I took over100 pictures of these places and I plan on sharing on the blog, just not all at once. I have wonderful pictures of the herbs and wildflowers that I seen too. I will have alot to blog about for a while. God is so awesome and sometimes in the mist of our "earthly" hassles of life we forget what our ultimate destiny is. Can you imagine....if it took God 7 days to make earth, as beautiful as it is....Jesus said He was going to prepare us a place over 2000 years ago, how beautiful Heaven must be? Just the thought of it makes the trials all worth it.

Just Saying....

2010-04-20T11:27:00.001-04:00

Wow, now I remember why I quit blogging on here. It is a very lonely place and could actually make some even more depressed. Yep, there it is.

Another Monday....

2010-04-19T10:54:00.004-04:00

My mind is going every which way today...still wondering about Jonathon and what I need to do to make that situation less hurtful for me, knowing there is all this housework to do, knowing I need to go for a run or at least a long walk, just everything jumbled up in my brain all at once.

Should I write Jonathon a letter and tell him how I am feeling? I am afraid to do that because he is constantly talking about how he hates "drama", and believe me to him that would be "drama". The last thing he wants to hear from anyone is that they have emotions, feelings, needs, or anything else that involves being completely human. The pain that he causes me is really affecting my life and I know I have to do something about it soon. How do you tell your own child to get in your life and stay or just get out until they are mature enough to know better than to hurt someone over and over again? I feel so selfish even with that thought because he is my child and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be. I met a Lady at church yesterday that mentioned to us that her two grown sons don't have anything to do with her. We were isiting that church and had never met this lady, so she knew nothing about my situation. She said she has grandbabies that she would absolutely love to have in her life....that is one of my biggest fears, them having children and me never knowing my own grandbabies. What do I do? It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to making Jonathon mad at me...he gets mad over the slightest little thing. Do I just make up my mind that it is time for me to take a stand, just jump and scream my feelings and prepare myself for the worst (being that he doesn't make his call every 9mos. to a year phone call anymore)? I am so tired of being walked on and being the one that is always last in line....I don't want that place in line. My Goodness...I gave birth to this child, loved him when nobody else wanted him, cried an ocean of tears for him, waited patiently for him to be 18 and legal to make his own decisions, supported him in anything he ever wanted to do, listened to his stories of trying drugs and didn't judge him....in all that, I still haven't given enough of myself to be respected (loved) in return. There is something wrong with that picture...

There is a part of me that just wants to run....run until my body just gives out. There is a voice in there that keeps saying "leave it all behind you, do what makes you the strongest healthiest person you can be and don't worry about where you have been just get busy getting yourself to where you are going". I like that voice, I like that part of me. I used to be a very determined person and the world beat me down for years and took that from me, they thought they took it anyway. I still have that in me, to be that strong person and she is trying to come out and take charge. Maybe this will be my week that I just let that happen. Nobody likes change, right? I just have to deal with the changes that come with it and let the good side take over again so I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do. Is that selfish?

Does anyone really read this? I ask myself that all the time. I don't guess it matters if nobody else even knows I exist....but it would be nice to know that I am at least a little speck here in this life.

My kids are absolutely breaking my heart into tiny pieces...and I don't know if those little pieces will ever fit together again.

2010-04-18T09:57:00.002-04:00

I have 3 children that were raised be my bm (birth mother- I refuse to call her Mom). She has horrible control issues and therefore my children that are now grown choose to keep her satisfied and stay away from me. (Let me make it clear that I was doing fine raising them on my own until they were 1,3, and 5yrs old but to control me, my control freak bm who worked with DCS decided to use her connections to get my children. I probably blogged about that situation earlier in one of my posts.) I feel like they dangle hope in front of me just enough to keep me holding onto something that is never going to happen. I can almost see them in my mind, sitting back and laughing at the way they hurt me. I know anyone reading this would probably say, "no way anyone's kids would do that to their own mom", but I really am starting to believe it is a game they are playing and they are really enjoying it.

Jonathon (my 20 year old)called last night and talked to Ronnie, then he ask to talk to Emma (our 8 year old) but when Emma gave the phone to me---Jonathon had to go and he was going to call me back in an hour. Yeah...I knew not to hold my breath waiting on that phone call. It is funny because I heard Emma answering his questions..."I'm 8 now", "2nd grade", and other stuff that a brother should know already. I don't think it is fair to her either, him calling every nine months, just enough to tease her. She wants them to be a part of her life so bad and they couldn't care less. And no, he never called back. I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I wish they would just get in my life or get out of my life. I just don't know how much more hurt I can take from them. In my heart of hearts I honestly don't know of anything I have ever done to make them treat me like this. I done everything I could, I fought for them with everything I had, when they were with me I took good care of them, I was always there for them anytime they needed me, I even put up with my bm just to spend time with them (until they were all 18). I don't know, other than her twisted tales and her dysfunctional way of raising them...how they could treat me like this. I miss them so bad all the time and it is hard to keep that hope from springing forth when the smallest things happen. Just seeing Jonathon's number on the caller ID is, well there aren't even words for how that makes me feel. I just ask myself..."How long, how many times, how bad do they have to hurt you, before you learn to quit hoping?" Sometimes they make me so mad doing this stuff to me that I think it would serve them all right if I just killed myself...but that would just give them something else to say I done to them. But that is how they make me feel.

Superman....I knew it was him!!!!

2009-11-19T09:09:00.002-05:00

Get ready....there has been alot going on lately.....here I go.....................

    I am still doing great. I am so very thankful to have this new ability to handle the things life throws at us. (Thanks again to MDMA for helping me find that, I talked about MDMA in one of my first posts if you missed it). I am so close to my Daddy now, you wouldn't believe how far he and I have came in our relationship. He had to be put into the hospital for 2 weeks in October and I stayed most days with him. His Leukemia started getting really bad. To be honest, I thought he would die in the hospital. I have never seen my Daddy that sick before. He could barely move. They had to give him 5 pints of blood, I didn't even know we had that much blood in our body to start with. They discovered that the cancer has spread to his spine so they had to put a port in the top of his head to put Chemo treatments into. He is taking 3 different kinds of chemo, oral and through 2 different ports (chest and head). Thank God, he has only got sick one time from the chemo treatments and that was because they put it in too fast through the port in his head. He is the first person I have ever heard of that took treatments without getting terribly sick from them. See, my Daddy is Superman....I knew it. :)
    All that time we were together while he was in the hospital is the most time we have spent together since I was 6 years old. I loved every single minute of it, and I really believe with all my heart he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I would put Emma on the school bus and go to the hospital for the whole day. He told me stories about his childhood and his life in general. I learned so much from him, it is amazing how much better I understand who he is and why alot of things happened the way they did. He even told me that he never could enjoy Christmas after he left us because he missed us so bad. My stepmom would try to do things to get him in the christmas spirit and he just never could get into it. I hate that he spent years suffering like that but I have to be honest and say it made me feel good to know that he thought so much about me and that he was missing me.
    I even took pictures one day for us to look at together. I took all the pictures I had of me when I was a baby and pictures of my brothers and I growing up. I had never thought about the fact that he didn't even know what we looked like during those years. It was so nice looking through them with him and to see his eyes taking in every detail. I had one picture of me at about the age of 4 and when he saw it I thought he was going to cry. He picked it up and stared at it for a long time and said "that is just how I always saw you in my mind when I thought about you- that is how I remembered you- just like that". In the picture I am standing outside in a short dress, wearing knee socks, I was looking at the camera with a slight smile. That picture means more to me now than it ever did. I am going to have an 8X10 made and put it into a really pretty frame for a christmas present for him. He explained to me the fact that I stuck to him like glue, I was HIS baby from day one and that made my mom mad. He said she always tried to keep us apart but she just couldn't pry me away from him. He said he believes that is why she never could love me like she should have, she was always jealous and that is where it started....from the time I was born. I think he is right about that.
    He is home now and I have only got to go see him a couple of times because I have had bronchitis really bad. I miss him so much, it is weird how that can happen. I never get so attached to anybody so quickly but I just really want to spend every minute I can with him. We talk on the phone everyday and our conversations are no longer tense and hard to keep going. I used to dread our phone conversations because it was like we knew we needed to talk but didn't really have nothing to talk about. Now we talk for long periods of time and there is never a pause for a lack of knowing what to say. It is just amazing to me that within two weeks we came that far in our relationship. We had just never taken the time we needed to take to get to know eachother (again). I think we both realized that we have alot in common and as people in general we like eachother. I think even if we were not family we would be friends because we do have so much in common and I like who my Daddy is and the things he stands for. I never knew all that before. I am glad he is my Daddy.
    I did my first 5K on november 15th. It was to support Thompson Cancer Center, the one that treats my Dad. Ronnie did it with me. We were tired but it was so exciting to be a part of something so big. There were thousands of people in it. My goal was just not to be the last one in. We stayed together and our finish time was 39:24. That's not bad for the first one. Now my goal for the next one can be under 39 minutes. I was a totally different person 2 years ago, at that point in time I would have died before I would stand in the street with thousands of other people. I wouldn't even go to the movies back then. I am loving the ability to live life to the fullest now. Wow, it is amazing when I think back to where I was and how far from that I am now. I don't think anyone will ever know the full effect of how much life has changed for me.

    My brother got arrested last week (Kala's Dad). I really didn't think they would ever charge him with anything so it was a shock to me. At this point I have alot of mixed emotions about it. I don't believe a word that comes out of Kala's mouth because she lied so much when she was here. I do know that he physically abused them (spanking way too hard causing bruises), but I really don't know about anything else. As far as the sexual abuse allegations, I can't say if all those things really happened or not. I hope they just leave me out of it because I don't think I can handle being pulled into the middle. I thought I would get closure for myself through it but I don't think that is going to happen. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year and I have pretty much moved on from the past. I don't think I need anything else for closure. I am very satisfied with the way my life is now and I have accepted that I am no longer a part of that family...I am okay with that.

    I am really looking forward to christmas this year. Emma and I put her tree up yesterday, she always has her own special christmas tree in her bedroom. It is a purple tree this year, decorated with all pink ornaments and clear lights. It is so pretty, it makes me want to put our tree up in the living room already. We always put up our tree and decorate outside on thanksgiving. I can't wait! I love the holidays so much.

Well, I have almost wrote you a book in this post so I guess I will leave you alone for now.

I want....

2009-10-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

OMG!!! I am so depressed and it is so hard for me too lose weight when I am this way. I want to eat everything in sight. It is like there are two of me. The person inside wants to get out and run until I can't run no more but the person on the outside is so depressed she just wants to crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I said that...DIE!!! I don't understand why I have to get like this, I was doing so good. I hate to hear people (that have never been diagnosed with depression) say they are so depressed...most people throw that word around like it is nothing. Depression really sucks. I can be doing great for six months or maybe a year and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I hate talking to people about it because I know nobody wants to listen to me whine. I hope it goes away soon. I just want to run until it is gone, I want to sweat, I want to feel my muscles spasming because I worked-out, I want to feel good again.

Good day....

2009-09-22T10:25:00.002-04:00

Well, today is the first day of the weight-loss challenge. It couldn't have come soon enough for me. I have gained back 13 pounds since the last challenge. This is a good day. I feel like going running today and getting started right. They say "pain is the weakness leaving your body", well...I have alot of pain AND weakness to get rid of. I can't think of a better way to do it. Sometimes it just feels good to concentrate on myself instead of concentrating on everybody around me. Some would say that sounds selfish but right now I don't look at it like that at all. I want to be healthy and this is what I need to do to achieve that. Okay, with that said, I am going running.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

Awesome Book

2009-09-16T10:33:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading "The Shack" by William P. Young, and I would recommend it to anyone. Oh my goodness....I couldn't put it down. I had a hard time getting anything else done because it was so consuming. If you like to read, this is a book I can't imagine anyone not liking. It starts out a little slow but when you get to the 2nd chapter it is amazing.

I just had to tell everyone about it.

Nothing really going on to blog about right now. I am trying to get back on the weight-loss track so my life is kinda boring right now with me arguing with myself. By monday I will have a workout schedule laid out for myself. Counting calories is not a real big deal, that is something I can deal with pretty good. The working out part is where I fall short. I seem to always have the excuse of no time. I am fixin' that problem right now. I am guilty of sitting around being bored- not knowing what to do with myself when Emma is at school and Ronnie is at work. No more of that non-sense.....that time can no longer be wasted like that.

It seems like when you get off track it is so hard to get going again. I am going to do this. I felt so good before when I was eating right and working out. I wanted to be moving all the time. I still have that in me and now I have to do it.

Weight loss challenge!!!

2009-09-09T13:12:00.003-04:00

Okay, I hope I am back for a while this time. We try to live in a drama-free home but lately I don't know what has happened. I am hoping to seriously get back on track now.

Mathew McNutt is starting his weight loss challenge again. If you-all haven't heard of him you really need to check out his blog and consider doing the chellenge. I lost 27 pounds last time he did one. It is amazing how much difference the support system there helps. It is free and really fun so check it out at http://matthewmcnutt.com/?p=1776&cpage=1#comment-23523 . I think it starts on Sept. 22nd so you have plenty of time to read about it and get prepared for it.

We no longer have Kala with us. We came to the conclusion that we were not the best placement for her. It was a mutual decision between all of us and I hope she finds what she is looking for. We will always love her and we are hoping she will keep in touch with us. It is so hard to find out that you can't help someone you love so much. We tried so hard to give her all the emotional support and love she needed but it just wasn't working for her. I guess I will always question myself, "was there something else I could have done?". I hope time really does heal because right now I can't even explain the hurt I am feeling inside. I feel like a failure and I feel disconnected. All I can do now is pray for her and hope she prospers wherever life takes her.

Now I am just trying to get back on track and get healthy. I haven't even stepped on the scales lately because I am scared to. I have gained so much weight back I feel awful. I can't get into some of my clothes and I just feel huge again. I will get back into the zone. I don't know if I want to weight on the challenge to start or get started now. I really need to get started now but I would love to do like last time and start with everyone else. The support of the others really did make a BIG difference. Oh well, I will make a decision one way or the other and let you-all know.

Seriously, if you haven't seen his blog.....check it out. I will post again real soon:)

Still here

2009-07-31T18:12:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to take a moment to let everyone know that I am sill here. Things have been so chaotic around here, I just never get time to blog much now. School starts in a week and a half so I will be able to get back on schedule. I do miss reading blogs.

Kala is now living with us....so all is well as planned. I will be back on here really soon, don't give up on me :)

Mental Plateau

2009-07-08T08:38:00.003-04:00

I was leaving this on a comment for someone and I decided I needed to post it on my blog.....

I believe I have been on a "mental Plateau" (as I call it) with my weight-loss journey. I really think we all have those and they are probably worse than the plateaus where the scale just won't budge for us.

I was reading a book about weight-loss and the author was talking about when she got down to certain weights it would spark a memory of something that happened in her life when she was at that weight (before she had gained- on her way up). One weight was where she was when her dad died, one was when she divorced, one was her highest pregnancy weight, etc. and these weights showing up on the scale triggered something emotional and she had a rough time moving on from that certain number on the scale. It sounds plausible to me...I really believe that is where I am right now. So hopefully understanding what might be going on can help.

I did lose 1 pound this week, yay me!!!! Things are getting more settled down here so maybe I can keep it going this time. Kala moves in on July 13th so maybe I can get back on schedule and that will help so much. I know I can do this...I am not giving up now- NO WAY!!!

It gets better...keep reading....

2009-07-03T08:27:00.006-04:00

It seems that in this weight loss journey there is always something getting in the way. It also seems that I go from one temptation to another constantly. As soon as I have overcome one problematic infatuation with food then another one takes it's place. Most of the time the vision of these enemy foods outweighs my vision of "a healthy and fit me".

I caught myself yesterday in very embarrassing predicament while going through McDonald's drive thru for the second time within the same couple of hours getting an ice cream cone. When I got to the window to pay, it was the same cashier as the first time and I was absolutely discusted with myself. I was so ashamed that she had seen me getting two ice cream cones in the same day. Ofcourse in reality she had probably seen over 2oo other cars come through in her shift so how would she remember me out of all those people...the fat woman addicted to ice cream? In the end it is a very good thing that I was humiliated because I have now swurn off ice cream. I guess that was my reality check. I had been getting ice cream cones every time we went out for the past couple of weeks and I had been making it okay in my mind because McDonald's has frozen yogurt and a cone is only 150 calories. I wish now that I hadn't taken in all those horrible extra calories. I was doing so good at the beginning of this journey but since things have gotten so out of wack around here I have really lost my way.......if only this journey came with a map.

Other than that stuff everything is going good. All our children have promised us that they will be coming down tomorrow to cook out and visit. I am so excited about that. It seems like it has been so long since we have all been together. God has really been blessing us lately and life is good. I thank Him everyday for bringing me to this place of peace that he has put me in. I am going to share some pictures with you.....sometimes God gives me these beautiful scenes to admire and I like to get pictures of them when I possibly can. Sometimes He puts then on land and sometimes He paints them in the sky but wherever...He is the greatest artist in the universe and I am one of His biggest fans. :) I wish you-all could see them like I did but here is the best I can do and that is to share the pictures with you.....

I love rainbows....They remind me of God's promises of good.

The river that runs through the Smokey Mountains in Cades Cove.

There is nothing like seeing a sunset on the way down the mountain....beautiful.

Sunset at the beach in Mt. Pleasant South Carolina.

Ah...the beautiful mountains of home!!!

Elk grazing on Jellico Mountain...

I live in Frost Bottom....It got it's name for a good reason... It is always at least 5 degrees colder in the winter than anywhere else around us. We live at the foot of Windrock Mountain and it is so beautiful here.

Cades Cove historical graveyard...a dear just wandered in while we were looking at markers, amazing.

This cloud was absolutely beautiful...this picture doesn't even come close to seeing it person. Do you think someone in heaven wanted to go surfing. :) To me it looks like an awsome surfing wave.

This cloud was in the sky at the same time as the last one. When I was taking a picture of this one the other cloud was behind me. God wa working a miracle for us at the sae time and we didn't even know it until later. God is so AWESOME!!!

Things are crazy in this jungle!!!

2009-06-29T09:26:00.004-04:00

It has been a while since I have had time to sit down long enough to post anything. My life seems to have been turned upside down and inside out lately. I can't seem to keep any kind of schedule no matter how hard I try...and I feel like I am chasing my tail.Now I know how my poor little doggie feels. :)

I have a very hard time functioning like this. I am gaining weight back and I am so angry at myself. It is hard to keep track of every calorie and make time for working out, now more than ever. My doctor has changed my medicine for ADD and I can't even tell if it is working because everything is crazy around here right now anyway. Kala is now spending friday thru sunday with us and we are all trying to adjust to being together. She is scheduled to move in with us on July the 13th and we are so excited about that. I will admit it is very ovrwhelming to me to have another child in the house. I really underestimated the extra time, laundry, cooking, entertaining, Emma's jealousy and everything else that comes with it. This was the first weekend we had her overnight friday thru sunday and it was so much different than daytime visits. I am not really complaining even though it probably sounds like it. I was so happy when she came home friday night and the first thing she done was fix her bedroom how she wanted it. She sit her stuff around in th perfect places and moved the furniture around. There are stuffed animals, notebooks, perfumes, journels, teenage stuff etc. sitting around and it really looks like a real teens room. Even if there were overwhelming moments we did have a great weekend together and I wouldn't trade it for nothing. I know by the time she moves in we will be adjusted pretty well.

I am really going to work on ME this week. I promise blog land " am counting every calorie today thru friday this week and I will work out at least 3 times"!!!!! I hope somebody holds me to that. I need all the push I can get right now....HELP!!!!?????

Okay, I am goin to try to get this house cleaned up and anything else that needs to be done today. I hope everyone has a great day and I am going to really try to blog more this week than I have lately.

Firsts for 13

2009-06-15T12:38:00.002-04:00

This was the first weekend that we had Kala both Saturday and Sunday, for 10 hours each day. On Saturday we cooked out and invited my Daddy and my Daughter-in-law. Kala had not met either of them yet. Our neighbor and her son also came over. We had a real nice time just sitting around most of the day just talking and playing horse shoes and stuff. I unfortunately didn't count my calorie intake because of all that was going on around me. On Sunday we went to church, came home, cooked dinner (I had a light dinner), and sit around taking it easy all day. Ronnie decided it would be fun to bake a cake with the girls. There went "a light dinner" right down the drain. No matter how light dinner was it couldn't be light enough to make up for a big piece of calorie filled, fattening, sugary piece of cake. It seems like I am getting weak, I am so angry with myself today for failing so miserably. Now I have to pick myself back up and probably lose even more weight for the weight I let myself gain. Being ADD is no fun when things change around you, like schedules. I just seem to lose all sense of direction when that happens.

Good things did happen this weekend though, in ways that not many people can understand. Kala had some firsts while she was here. Things you would never think of as a 13year old never having experienced. After mixing the cake batter, Ronnie took the (I can't think of the name of the things you attached to the mixer, the things that spin and mix the batter) things off the mixer handing one to Emma (she loves to lick the batter off) and handing one to Kala. Kala looked at it and asked "is it good" with a look of confusion. Ronnie said "yes baby it is good, Emma loves it", realizing that she had never even experience this thing that is just a normal thing to so many people. She had never even helped bake a cake, cookies, bread or anything that a child should always get the joy of doing with their Mom (or Dad) from a very young age. I wanted to cry. She played horshoes for the first time, wore makeup for the first time, and a couple of other things that I can't remember right now. It is amazing how we can take so many little things for granted and not realize that not everyone is as blessed with those same things. This is going to be a good journey for us. I want to give her these things she has never had. She has never had a real Mom, Daddy, or a sister. I feel so blessed that this family is

A phone call from California, I love my Marine!!!

2009-06-12T09:52:00.006-04:00

Wow, I just remembered that I didn't post my weigh-in results this week. I actually lost a pound. Yay Me!!! I am doing Kim's weight los challenge so my weigh-in was Tuesday.

I talked to my little Marine last night for almost an hour. That is one of the things I enjoy so much in life...our mother son talks. I absolutely love it when he wants my advice and when he asks fo my help. He validates me when he doesthose things and he doesn't even know it. Right now he is in California for training before leaving for Iraq in August. Our long talk last night will be held forever in my heart to cherish. We had a conversation about God and his personal relationship with Him.

My son may have his minor faults but he is so beyond his 19 years in maturity. I told him numerous times through the hour of conversation "I am so proud of you". He told me how good it is to hear that. I am so very proud of him that there are no words to use for it. Sometimes I think we forget to tell the ones we love... how we feel. I never want to get to that place where the ones aroud me have no idea how I feel about them. We never know which conversation will be the last one we have with someone. My children (although I have had it rough) have made my life worth living. If I die tomorrow, I am satisfied that I have done everything I can to show love to those around me.

I am so glad he called me, I needed to hear his voice. I can't wait to see him in July and get a big hug. Nobody hugs like my Jonathon.

I have had a good week. It seems like lately I am just basking in the love of God. This has been going on for probably a month or more. I have recently had a lot of realizations about my Christian walk and my personal relationship with God. It seems that now more than ever he is revealing things to me, maybe because I wasn't open enough for it before. Now I know that it is not me that leads this relationship...it is God. I have let him have it and now wonderful things are happening for me. I have often wondered why God would take time out of his busy schedule for me when there are so many others that need him- feeling like I wasn't really on top of the waiting list. Then I realized "God doesn't have a waiting list" because He is the almighty, the one and only, creator, and Father of all those that love Him. I have realize that personal means just that....PERSONAL. Nobody else matters when it comes to me and God. His ways are not our ways and that is very hard for me to understand so I just have to accept it and trust that He gives me His undivided attention at all times. I don't have to hold on while he answers another call, He is all mine- all the time. The same goes for everyone that has a personal relationship with Him. I love where I am right now.

We are now getting Kala on Saturday and Sunday. This will go on through June and then hopefully we will get her fulltime in the first part of July. After she lives here for 6 months we will file the adoption petition with the court. We are so thrilled to have her in our lives.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

To be or not to be, this is the question....

2009-06-05T10:22:00.003-04:00

I am having a hard time keeping up my workouts. Emma said she wanted to jog with me....but...when we done it for a few days she was over it. Now I have to pull her along, constantly having to stop to wait for her, and listen to her whine. I can't make a 7 year old exercise if she won't. I don't know what I am going to do at this point. We are not in the habit of leaving her with a sitter. We live out in the country and we really don't know anyone who lives close to us. The only person that I will leave her with lives 25 miles away, and that doesn't make sense to drive that far away to leave her so I can go run. That turns my efforts into like 2 or 3 hours, where it would only be 1 hour if I could just get her to cooperate with me. I can't let a 7 yr. old defeat me in this effort so I really need to figure out what will work.

Not to even mention that I am ADD and now that she is out of school for the summer my schedule has been turned upside down. Thanks to ADD I have a very big problem with change in my schedule. So that has got me down big time. Now I have to figure out a strategy to deal with both problems.

I didn't run any this week and I feel crappy!!! I am so mad at myself right now. I am wanting to eat everything in the house and I feel like a big fat cow!!! I am not going down like this, I have to resolve this problem....and I'll do it or die trying!!!

Writer's Workshop

2009-05-28T15:58:00.003-04:00

So, here are my chooses of subjects....

1.) What is your life's anthem? You know...that song that is ALWAYS in your head. The one you'd go to sing first if someone told you to sing a song right NOW. What is it and what does it mean to you?

2.) We love telemarketers don't we!?! Describe a memorable experience you had with one.

3.) How much does focusing on weight affect your daily life?

4.) Describe in what ways you expect too much from your significant other. Do they deserve an apology?

5.) List ten things that make you HAPPY.

6.) Share a sleep walking story of your own!!

As for #1 I guess it would be "Summer Breeze" because it is a song I remember from childhood and it seems to make me feel so peaceful.

#2, OMG....I am not evn going there, I used to be one of those bothersome people.

#3, I focus on my weight all the time right now. I have lost 27 pounds so it is working, I just need to focus a little more. :)

#4, Sometimes I am snappy with my husband and I don't apoligize as much for it as I should...I just take it forgranted that he knows how I feel. I hate that I do that to him.

#5, hmmmm.....ten things that make me happy

1. running, especially with Emma

2. phone calls or visits from my children3. when I hear my Daddy tell me he loves me

4. holding a newborn baby

5. losing weight

6. seeing my garden grow

7. ronnie holding me close

8. feeling grass on my bare feet9. rock hunting

10. my all-time high (happy) is when I see a rainbow in the sky

#6, Hmmmm....here's one for you to figure out. I sleep-eat instead of just sleep-walking. I honestly do not even know anything about it until I get up in the morning and discover dirty dishes. My husband can sleep through a tornado so he is no help for me. I think that is how I gained all this extra weight. I don't do it unless I am really stressed out but it happens.

Happy to be Daddy's Girl

2009-05-26T09:45:00.004-04:00

Emma and I went jogging yesterday. She ran my bootie off....but I did keep up with her. Not bad for 40yr. old vs. 7yr. old. I was proud of myself....but I will admit I am sore this morning. We will be going again today. She loves it and that is what I was hoping for. I think she gets the same rush I do with it. She is so cute out there running with her little mp3 player. :) I didn't realize how different it would be to actually run outside. Until yesterday I had only ran/jogged on my treadmill. It is so exhilerating to be out in the wide open just free and running. It was an amazing experience. I won't want to use the treadmill anymore now that I now how good it is. The first thing Emma ask this morning is "when are we going to run?". I may be creating a monster. I am secretly hoping that this whole running thing becomes a family thing. Ronnie (my husband) came to the park yesterday and actually ran a little with us. He didn't run far but I really think he liked it. I am loving this.

Daddy, Logan (my nephew), me and Emma

I talked to my Daddy last night. Him and my mother divorced when I was 6 and I didn't see him again until I was 17. That wasn't really his fault, she just refused to let him see us (those control issues she thrives on). We have had a hard time keeping a relationship going because we didn't really know eachother after being apart for 11 years. But we are okay now and we keep in touch more lately. He is unfortunatley not in good health and it is very sad to think that so many years that could have been spent with him were just tossed away. At this point all I can do is make good use of the time I have left and build memories. When we got off the phone last night I said "I love you Daddy" and he said "I love you too sweety" and I could hear/feel the love. There is a difference in someone saying it just to say it and when someone is saying because they are really wanting you to know. I know it comes from his heart because I can feel it and that is one of my favorite things in this world is knowing that my Daddy LOVES me. Hey, one out of two parents that love me is a good thing. And I do LOVE my Daddy, unconditionally and forever.

Okay, this one is going to be short because if I don't take Emma running soon she will explode. :)

The last day of school....finally!

2009-05-22T07:32:00.003-04:00

I am so excited because after today Emma will be home with me until August. I miss her so bad when she s in school. I am not wasting this summer. We are planning so many fun things for us to go and do. She is too cool, so much fun. I am picking her up early from school today and we are going treasure hunting, well everyone else calls it yard selling but treasure hunting just sounds like more fun.

We never do anything on memorial day, to us it is just another day. I know that sounds bad but neither of us have ever really celebrated it. Kala will be with us Sunday. We will go to church, dinner and then go to a movie. It is suppossed to rain anyway so planning on cooking out would not be a good thing.

It should be a bigger deal for me seeing-how my son is a Marine but since I hardly ever even see or talk to him.....oh well--you get it. I will just celebrate my Marine right here with some pictures. He is my heart, I wish everyone could have a chance to know him like I do. He is such a good hearted (I want to say boy but he is truly a MAN now) man. He used to run around wearing fatigues (camo) when he was as little as 3 years old until...well, he still does. :) He is going to Iraq in August and it is ripping my heart out but he is so phsyced up to go. I really believe he is excited about it....he is living his lifelong dream and that is something that alot of people never have enough courage to do. That is the only thing that gives me peace about it--I know he is happy. My little man that used to hang onto my leg when I tried to leave him with a sitter. If you have ever had a 2 yr. old holding onto you like that with crocodile tears streaming down their little precious face....then you understand the heartbreak. Oh, for one more day.........

Isn't he so handsome? My little man-marine:)

My weight didn't change this week and that is fine with me. I am just happy not to gain at this point. I haven't been able to fit in my workouts lately so I need to get back on track. Eating has been good, no problems there, still counting every calorie. I guess I need to re-evaluate at this point and change some things a little. I will do that after the busy weekend.

Well, I guess that is all for now. No grand bits of wisdom or anything to share....it's still just me. :) I hope everyone has a great weekend!!! And happy Memorial Day!!!

Writer's Workshop

2009-05-21T09:14:00.003-04:00

Share a Love Letter:

I Love You

I love you for reasons

That you would never think of.

I love...

When you touch me for no reason,

When I catch you looking at me when I am doing something,

When you thank me for doing things for you,

When you say I LOVE YOU before I say it,

When we say it at the same time.

I love...

To see you smile,

To hear you laugh,

When you say I am pretty

Even though I just got out of bed.

I love...

The way you smell,

The way your face feels after you shave,

Seeing you checking yourself out in the mirror,

Your self confidence

I love...

The noises you make when you sleep,

The peacefulness on your face,

The safety you give me,

When you hold me close at night

I love...

The way you love me-

I love...

You needing me

I love knowing that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

List ten things you are currently sick of.(inspired by Jenny)

1)I am sick of paying so much for tv programming and never being able to find something good to watch!

2)I am sick of trying to watch movies that have been rated pg with my 7 year old and right in the middle of it they start saying curse words! Who rates movies nowadays anyway, chimps????

3)I am sick of the adoption process taking so long. It must be the same people working there as the ones rating movies.

4)This is only #4 and I am sick of sounding like I am whining. I hate to hear whining....but who never whines, right?

5)I am sick of grocery stores taking advantage of people because there are no other stores close enough for people to go to.

6)I am sick of everyone speeding down the highway like maniacs and I am the one that gets pulled over for doing ten over. To make it worse, the officer was young enough to be my son so now I refer to him as Doogie Houser (Doogie may be before your time).

7)I am sick of having to go pee 10 times a night...can't I just sleep like everybody else in this house!!!!!

8)I am sick of the weeds in my garden. I pull the weeds in one section and go to another but when I look back to admire the section I have already done....the weeds are already growing back!!!! Can this ground really be that rich and hearty- come on- please!!!

9)I am sick of fleas on my dogs. Digging digging digging all the time even after I bathe them and apply flea meds they still act like crazy things digging and rolling around like they are insane. I think the dogs know this drives me insane and they think it is funny.

Look at him trying to act all innocent!

10)I am sick of rising gas prices every time it comes to a holiday. I understand people trying to make money but this is rediculous!!! Stop taking advantage of people you greedy thieves!!!

Okay, that was a good time to get some deep aggression out in the open...I am good for another day now.

This is a beautiful journey of discovering ones inner self...

2009-05-20T10:28:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was weigh-in day but I have decided to change my weigh-in to fridays instead. Tuesday is just not a good day for me. I think it will work better on fridays.

I have been sitting here for a very long time reading blogs. I have come to conclusion. This weight loss journey, that so many of us are on, is a beautiful thing. It is the point in our lives when we are discovering just how much we are worth, how good it feels to take care of our body, the great feeling of pride, and how good it feels to love ourselves even though we are far from perfect. It is when we discover that what is on the outside doesn't have to make us less than anyone else. We are just as good as the models in the magazines, we are just shaped different. We soon find out that we have more power over ourselves than we ever thought. We also find out that we are not on this journey alone. And as an adult I have realized that it is okay to let go of this weight that, as a child, became my security.... I am able to protect myself now so no one else is ever going to hurt me whether I am a size 24 or a size 6, it won't matter. I truly believe the old saying "no one can love you until you love yourself". If we are not worth our own love why would we be worth someone else's love? Nobody wants to love us if they are constantly having to convince us that we are worth it, that becomes a burden for them and we don't want to cause that. This makes us so very vulnerable to abusive relationships. I had never thought about it like that before. It really makes sense though.

This is a beautiful journey of discovering ones inner self. Our inner self is really who we are anyway. All this outside stuff won't matter in the end, but it sure can hold us now back if we let it. It is amazing, what's inside- the power just waiting to be discovering, recongnized and put to use. Have you found yours?

I want to say that I really appreciatte the support I get from everyone who reads my blog. I know I am not real popular on here but it means alot to me that I know I do have a few of you that are in the same place I am. I was about pathetic when I discovered that I had 2 followers, you would have thought I had won the lottery. And getting comments is like getting a birthday present. :) See, I told ya I was pathetic. :) It means alot to know someone is out there listening to this voice that I have found and I love reading your blogs too. Thanks guys!!!

Yesterday, Today...& some deep reflections

2009-05-16T11:40:00.003-04:00

I seem to never have time to sit down long enough to write anything. I have all these things I really want to write about but it just never happens.

Okay, for yesterday I ate careful all day even more so than normal. I made myself do more chores than I really wanted to do. Who wants to do housework and errands? I hate going to the grocery store and my husband even offered to go. I went anyway because in reality he don't know what's good for you and what's not. I made myself go even though I didn't want to. :)

This morning for breakfast I ate strawberries, banana, and 1/2 of an orange. I usually eat pancakes w/sugar free syrup, cold cereal, or eggs and dry toast. I know the fruit was much healthier.

Tomorrow we pick Kala (whom we are adopting) up and get to spend up to 10 hours with her. We are going to take her to church with us and then go skating. I wish this process didn't take so long. She wants to come home with us so bad and we haven't even got an over-night visit yet. I really feel like the agencies could do things quicker. She is already 13 and she needs to get adjusted into a normal life. I feel like alot of time has been wasted already. But how do you express this to the people that have so much control over the outcome? I can't take a chance on making them mad and stopping the whole thing. I can't even imagine how Kala would react at this point if they told her it wasn't going to happen. We have already bonded bigtime. I am getting very impatient and sometimes I want to scream.

I miss my children that are grown (21, 19, 17). Only one of them ever calls me and he only calls every 6 or 8 weeks. They have just totally drifted away from me. Long story short....when they were 5, 3, and 1 my very controlling, manipulative, know-it-all, abusive mother decided she could control me if she got custody of my children. (If someone wants to talk about control issues I can jump right in on that conversation.) Me being too young and ignorant of the laws, didn't know how to keep this from happening especially with all the high-up connections she had. She worked with the court system therefore I thought there was no chance for me. So in signing custody over to her she finally agreed to let me see them 1 hour a week (some kinda mom, right?). Of course when she got tired of them she would bring them and drop them of at my house, or have me come to stay at her house and she would leave me there with the children sometimes for 3 and 4 days at a time. She become very close to my children's father. When he got married a year after she took my children she was even trying to make them call his wife "Mom". That is how much she hates me. Over time it became very obvious that she had become best friends with his new wife. She had replaced me with her and she was trying to erase me completely.

I want to make it clear that I never neglected or abused my children. I would never hurt a child nor ever let anyone else hurt one. This was something she did to try to control me (or maybe even torture me, I still haven't figured out which). This woman never protected me from anything while I was growing up. I was sexually abused by her father, brother and several other people and when I went to her (the first time it happened it was her father) she slapped me across the face and told me never t talk about it again. Her brother was the next one that did it. Only he was sicker...he raped me, and ofcourse again I was threatened to never talk about it again. After that I realized that it was just something I was going to have to live with because in my mind "if your own mom don't help you when you get hurt...who will?". So all I lived with this stuff until I was seventeen and I got married to get away from it. Ofcourse the marriage didn't last, when I was 20 we divorced.

I just never was able to get out from under her control no matter how for away from her I went. When she seen that I was getting a little too far away she decided taking my children would again give her complete control of me. She did gain some control back and at the same time I came to hate her with a vengeance. It has been a battle ever since. My children don't see that she is controlling them now the same way she wanted to control me. My daughter (21) still lives with her because my mom makes her feel guilty for even thinking of moving out. Jonathon (19) joined the marines right out of highschool last year but he is still mentally under her control. Jordan (17) has signed up with the marines but I really don't even think he will make it through bootcamp because she has him so wrapped up he thinks he can't do anything without her approval and assistance. I hope he does make it and hope he learns that there is a world out there besides hers. She has made them think I am the worst person alive, and this trash has been drilled into there heads for 16 years so it isn't easy to change it. The thing I don't understand is that I have been there the whole time and they still don't see the real me... they see me through her eyes. I don't think they will ever understand that I truly love them with everything in me. It kills me that they are now old enough to make the decision to have a real relationship with me and they act like it doesn't matter one way or the other, whatever makes her happy is what they feel they need to do.

So, anyway they are off living their lives without me being even a passing thought while I sit here and can't get them off my mind. I am doing better than I used to. I don't sit around crying over them anymore and I have come to the realization that I can't keep my life on hold for them anymore. I have really just started living within the last year and it feels good. I still have these days when they are on my mind because I did give birth to them and I will always be their mom. They will know one day...probably when they have their own children.

Right now is the best time to start. What's your first step?

2009-05-14T21:36:00.004-04:00

Right now is the best time to start. What's your first step?

Hmmm...my first step? Today I took my first step in getting back on track to losing weight and pulling myself up out of this state of depression.

I made myself, and believe me it took alot of effort, work in the garden two different times today. I figure that is hard work so it must have burned a few calories plus my veggies will appreciate those weeds not being there to take all their water. :) I am still bummed and I just can't pick myself back up. I hate this!!! I do suffer from depression (and have for years) but I never can get used to these low periods. I should be on top of the world right now with my weight loss and all. Omg, I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling back to normal. I just don't function good like this. Sorry....I know this post is enough to bum everybody else out too. On the bright side though...God is still right here with me and I know he is going to bring me out of it. I have to go through it for a reason...everything has a reason as does everyone. :) I will do something else tomorrow and try again and again and again and again.....well, you get it.

GOAL: I am going to try my best to do something everyday that is productive for my health.

Sadly Nothing

2009-05-14T08:53:00.002-04:00

Wow, I was just reading another blog (Angie's) and I was so ashamed of myself for slacking so much lately. The title of her post was "What have you done today". For probably a week and a half my answer would be really nothing. :( I believe I am depressed because Mathew McNutt's weightloss competition is over. I am just lost...and I seen this coming before it was over. I know it only ended tuesday but I am really feeling lost just knowing that I don't have to report my weight every week, there is no message boards to go to for motivation, and I really didn't know how dependent on all that I had become. Lol, I sound like a mental case here this morning. I am going to have to find another challenge to enter. I need to know there are other people having the same struggles as I am. If I don't jump back in really soon I am afraid I will get sidetracked and all my efforts will be wasted. God is good and I know he will show me the way. I am no longer going to stress about it...I am going to fix it. :)

Before and After

2009-05-13T06:42:00.005-04:00

Wow, yesterday was the last day of the challenge. I can't believe how fast the time passed. I started strong but kept hitting plateaus and slowed down some toward the end. The first picture is my "AFTER" and the next one is my "BEFORE". I look at the before picture and I think about how I was wearing those baggy clothes to cover up my fat....I was making it so much worse. I am so glad to be where I am now and I don't feel the need to do that anymore. Over-all I think I done good considering this is the longest I have ever been able to stick with the decision to lose weight. I definitly made a lifestyle change and the challenge may be over but the weightloss journey is still going for me. I am 27 pounds from my goal, woo hoo!!! In 2008 I weighed 230 and lost 15 pounds. In January of 2009 I started the challenge at 215, lost 28 pounds, and now I weigh 187. It has been so long since I have seen numbers under 200 on the scale...it just amazes me to see it now. Although I know there is no chance of being the winner of the challenge...I know I have won anyway. I wasn't doing it for a prize- I was doing it for exactly what I got...a healthier me. I am proud of myself and I am loving me right now.

Another Day

2009-05-01T06:50:00.003-04:00

Someone said they tried to comment on one of my blogs and couldn't. I am hoping someone could try it to see if something is wrong so I can try to fix it. I don't know a whole lot about blogger and I went into my settings to try to find out what the problem could be. Maybe it is working now. If someone could try it for me I would greatly appreciatte it.

I am trying to get back on track with my exercise this week but haven't done to good. It is friday and I have only had 2 workouts so far. Maybe I can get one it today. I feel like lately my life has just gotten turned upside down and I can't seem to get it back. I hope things calm down soon...but I have a feeling I am just going to adjust to the way it is now. It may take a few weeks but I will do it.

We left our church so now we are looking for another one. I can't go without church more than a week. Where we live there is a church everywhere you turn but it is hard to find the "one". I know that might sound crazy but I believe there is a certain place for everyone to be. Maybe when we find ours everything will fall back into place. Church is a very important part of our lives. God has done so much for us...that is the least we can do for him. Our pastor resigned the same night we left and we are so close to his wife and him. My daughter calls them Mamaw and Pappaw and they couldn't treat her any better if they really were. They spend so much time with her, taking her fishing, hiking, shopping...really whatever she wants to do. I am really hoping that God will lead us all to a church where we can be together. I miss hearing him preach and I miss really just miss being in church with them. I don't have any family outside of my husband and children so they have really filled that void for me. Isn't it funny how strangers can take you in and show more love and concern than your own blood relatives ever did? That has always been amazing to me but then again- that is how sweet God's love is. I can't even fathom how much he loves us. I look at my children and think about how deeply I love them and then I think about how God's love is stronger than even a mother's love for her children. That is some awesome LOVE!!! I am so glad I am His child. :)

Well, I could write a book on that subject this morning but I am going to stop before I get started. I have so many other things to do. I pray that everyone has a very blessed day!!!

Reflecting

2009-04-29T08:14:00.004-04:00

Okay, we have now had two outings with Kala (whom we are hoping to adopt). For the past two weekends we have taken her out on Sunday and I have to say...we have had a blast. We have to travel two hours to get to where she is but it has definitely been worth it. The first Sunday it was raining but we didn't let that get us down. We went to the zoo and to chucky-cheese. Kala is 13 years old but she is one of the most well mannered children I have ever known. She is fantastic with our 7 year old, very understanding and patient with her. That is saying alot because a 7 year old (and ours is no different) wants constant attention and in her world it is all about her.

Last Sunday we went to the Cornbread Festival. Yes, we really have such a thing in Tennessee:) After that we went to a place called Reflections Riding and Botanical Gardens. It is nature like few ever see. It was just a good quiet time where we could be calm and together. We had a picnic, that was nice. We all got sunburned so now I know to take sublock next time. We are all enjoying every minute with her.

This weekend we get her on Saturday and we are all looking forward to it. I am really hoping that she will be ready to come and live with us in the next few weeks. It already feels natural when she is with us. She was made for this family. So, if you believe in prayer...please remember Kala when you do pray. She deserves a normal life with a family that loves her. I can't even imagine going through life with no family to share both the good and bad times with.

We finished all our parenting classes and now we are playing the waiting game. I will update as things happen.

Kids are so cute...ya gotta luv'em!

2009-04-23T09:15:00.007-04:00

Tuesday Emma (our 7 year old) was walking on a curb in a parking lot we were when she fell onto the pavement. She got both legs and one arm scratched up. She was bleeding from her right knee, the worst injury (thank goodness it wasn't any worse). I can't handle seeing someone bleed, I just want to pass out. We got her all cleaned up and bandaged finally. We were an hour from home and she cried about the whole way. I sent her to school yesterday morning with it bandaged up good thinking that through the day she would forget about it. Well, she came home still crying over it, litterally boo hooing. I got worried thinking that maybe she had done more damaged than what I could see so I called our doctor at 4pm to see if they could see us before they left the office. Well, Emma goes limping big time into the waiting room still whining and pitiful. At this point I am feeling so guilty because I had made her go to school with it hurting. She limps back into the examination room and I pick her up and sit her on the table, the nurse pulls the thing out for this poor baby to lay her leg onto. The doctor comes in and talks to us, he pushes around on her knee asking if certain places hurt then he says he is going to get an X-ray.
Limping all th way to the lab she gets up on the table and has her very first X-ray done. She limps back to the examination room and I put her back on the table to wait on the doctor. When the doctor comes in he says "Well, I didn't see anything in the x-ray that I would be concerned about. She can go back to her normal activities. It is just a little bruised but it is okay." He looks at Emma and says "you are okay, you can go now" and when he said that she jumped right off of the table and walked right down the hall... no sign of pain or limping, just like a new person. I said "Emma why were you limping before and now you aren't?" She looked at me as innocently as a 7year old can and said "the doctor said I was okay so I am okay now". I could have fell over when she said that. I felt like a big dummy, I should have known a scratched knee was fine. I don't know if I will ever learn to know when she is just overreacting. So, long story short....I am going to be paying well over $100 to find out "MY DAUGHTER IS A DRAMA QUEEN". LMAO (only until the bill comes).

A good weigh-in!!!

2009-04-15T07:16:00.003-04:00

Wow, this week's weigh-in was good...finally- a good one. I am just scared that next week the 4 pounds will show back up on the scale. I guess we can always find something to worry about. I have now lost 27 pounds (this is only counting what I have lost during the weightloss challenge, I had already lost 15 pounds before that started) and I feel so much better. My initial goal is now 28 pounds away, but I really think when I reach that I will want to lose maybe 10 more. I will have to see what I feel like at that weight. This is great to not be torturing myself with some crazy diet. I have really made a great life style change that will be with me for the rest of my life. It is nice to know that I have that power over an addiction to food. I think we all have that power.... we just have to be ready to find it and willing to use it. The support I have on the message board has been the foundation of my success....I don't feel like I wouldn't have even came close to this change without my new friends. Maybe that is one reason I couldn't succeed before...without support from people that care and understand it is really almost impossible (just my opinion from experience).

I never would have known how the adoption process can wear someone out so quickly. Between going to parenting classes, visiting her, and still living everyday life and all the things I already have to do, I am exhausted. We are in the middle of remodeling our kitchen and I don't know when it is going to be finished. I have all our stuff from the kitchen packed up all over the house, I can't cook or wash any dishes, so we are living on whatever can be microwaved. And in the middle of all of this the agency called yesterday and said they will be here in 6 days for a home study walk thru. OMG!!! Now we are really going to be struggling to get it done before she comes. I would be so embarrassed fo anyone to see my house right now. I am an organization freak and this is killing me. (My motto.... "Organization is the basis of a happy life"....and to me it truly is.) So wish us luck on getting it finished. I know that sounds like plenty of time for most people but my husband works from 12 to 16 hours a day. So he is lucky if he can work on it an hour in the evenings. Oh well....at least life is staying interesting around here anyway. We just have to keep a sense of humor and go on.

I am back, finally!

2009-04-09T09:18:00.002-04:00

Wow, I apologize for not being here for so long. I am so happy to know that people were actually reading my blogs. I didn't really understand how to use blogger and I got aggrivated and quit writing.

There is alot happening in my life right now. I have lost 24 pounds so far. My husband and I are trying to adopt a little girl. We have been really busy and doing alot of running so I would have lost more weight but I have had many obstacles lately. I am still hanging in there though and I will get to my goal weight this time. I feel like I have finally discovered the secret (that is not really a secret at all) to weight loss. I used to feel like "lifestyle change" was so far out of my reach. Those words used to scare me to death and I felt like it that was what it was going to take for me to lose weight then I would be obese forever. Now I know that those words have a bigger bark than bite. I have definetly made a "lifestyle change" and I am loving it. When you really want to lose weight and become that healthy person you were meant to be... you can do it. It takes time, alot of support, a little sacrifice, and willingness to learn healthier chooses. It can be done.

Children

2009-01-17T15:23:00.003-05:00

It hurts so bad when your kids grow up and seem to not feel the need to spend any time with you anymore. The hurt is nothing words can really describe, you just have to live it to understand. What happened to those kids that loved and needed me so much?

A Southern Thing

2009-01-16T09:05:00.003-05:00

I am working hard to build up to more exercise capability and I really do need to quit comparing myself to others. I hadn't even thought about that. I have been worried because the other people on the message boards are talking about higher speeds on the treadmill. I just started on the treadmill a month ago so I guess I am doing good. I have went higher within that month so that is an accomplishment. I am really happy with my weight loss so far.

I wasn't able to work out yesterday because of that pulled muscle and I am going to take it easy today too. I am hoping tomorrow I will feel better and be able to burn some calories. I already know that I am going to have a lower loss in week 2 but that is okay. I am just happy if I maintain this week.

I don't work outside the home. I have the worst possible hobby there is (well, when you think about fitness any way). I want everyone to be warm. I quilt, and to do that I sit alot. That is about all I done before I started this challenge. People call me to make specialty quilts that they can't find anyone else to make for them. I make childrens special theme quilts. I make any size from a baby quilt up to a King size. I really like to make memory quilts for people who have loved ones that have passed away. I make those out of the clothes of the loved one. These give the family some comfort and peace. I love the feeling it gives me when they appreciatte a quilt. I had a lady that called me to make a quilt out of t-shirts. She couldn't find anyone else that woud quilt t-shirt material. Her husband had been involved in the boyscouts since he was a small boy and she wanted me to cut the logos off the shirts into blocks and make a quilt for his birthday. Ofcourse I took that challenge on. They were ecstatic when they got it. That is one of the best feelings in the world when I have made someone happy. I absolutley love making quilts and that is all I want to do constantly.... so I am really having to make some big chages here. I always tell people that my goal in life is to make sure everyone has a handmade quilt. I guess it is a Southern thing, there's nothing like a quilt and I think anyone who never has one is missing out on a good thing. Hand Quilting is becoming a lost talent... very few people do it anymore.

But I know the effort I put into my health is worth every minute of it. I keep telling that when I am smaller and healthier I will be physically able to do so much more than I can now. And I will have plenty of time to make quilts later, I already have a stock pile of them now anyway:)

Thank God for MDMA!!!

2009-01-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

I have pulled a muscle in my back. For a week I have been trying to ignore it but this morning when I woke up I knew there was no more ignoring it. I have to go see the doctor today. Yuk...I hate going to the doctor.

One of the worst things about this is that I may not be able to get my exercise in for a few days. It is so funny to think of me being upset because I can't exercise. Three weeks ago you would do good to get me to walk to the mailbox:) Here I am now all about burning those calories for the day.

This weight loss competition has been a real good thing for me. I have been spending so much time on it that I haven't had time to think about the crazy stuff going on in my life. That is a good thing, very good!

There are so many things I want to write about on here but I am just not ready yet. But I will be real soon. I recently divorced my mother. I know that sounds awful but there is a life long story behind it. I know I have done everything in my power to salvage the relationship. It will never happen and it feels so good to be free. I have spent 40 years trying to please someone that could never be pleased in the first place. With God and a research study called MDMA, in the last year and a half I have gotten healing for all the abuse and neglect that I should have never had to live through as a child (and especially with no one to even make an attempt protect me). I no longer have to sit and wonder why God even brought me into this world. I have a purpose. Everything I have been through is a crucial part of my testimony and I know there was a reason for every bit of it. Sometimes I felt like God wasn't there but now I know He was always with me and He always will be.

1 week down

2009-01-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

I did good for my first week in the weight loss competition. I lost 5 pounds... GO ME! I know I probably won't be able to lose 5 pounds every week but I sure can give it a try. I just keep telling myself that if I can do that 10 more times I will be at my goal weight. When I hit my goal weight I may decide to go even lower. After-all, then I will know it is possible and not so hard to do.

The only thing that worries me is that it seems like everytime I start losing weight I sabotage myself. I think in a way my weight might be my security. I have to work on that.

I can't wait to wear cute clothes!

I'm finally here

2009-01-12T18:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I will pretend this was a hard to figure out how to get this (blogger) started up. I am excited to have somewhere to write about the journeys that I embark on and those past ones also. Anyway, as short and silly as it is....this is the first of the blogs:)

I plan on writing about my feelings and experiences in weight loss. I also have lots of other stuff I want to share here too.